LONG BEACH (coup2k.com) March 5, 2001 -- The Diva interviews The Vampire, intellectual father of Republicanism, and architect of The Great American Freedom-and-Justice swap meet.NEXT: PART 4:
The Diva: Hello, and thank you for taking this time away from your busy coffin-napping schedule to explain your vision for America.
The Vampire: Not at all. I love discussing myself.
The Diva: Alrightee. Well, my first question is, how do justify taking a planned budget surplus created by payroll taxes -- which are regressive, and paid by everyone on first $60K or so of income -- and giving it overwhelmingly to the wealthiest of Americans?
The Vampire: Justify it? You mean morally? I don't have to. It is my nature. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Republicans gotta suck the life out of the poor and middle class to feed our kind. We're vampires.
The Diva: I see. But if you want more money, why don't you just work harder, like most people do, when they need to increase their income?
The Vampire: Work?! Where is the fun in that? I am, at my core, a hedonist. Like all of my kind, there is nothing more gloriously pleasurable for me than sucking the financial lifeblood out of hard-working people to satiate my lust for ridiculous and superfluous wealth.
The Diva: But how do you manage that? Don't the poor and middle class see what you are trying to do? Don't they fear you?
The Vampire: Seduction, Diva, seduction. That has always been the weapon of my kind. I draw my victim in with hypnotic words of "across-the-board tax cuts." I sweep my cloak of mathematical subterfuge around their eyes, blocking their view of the truth. I tip their heads to the side with tales of returning their money to them. They want to believe me. They are seduced. I need not take by force; so many give me their all, and willingly.
The Diva: But what if they realize that you are going to drain them?
The Vampire: Then I simply tell them that they have greater things to fear than my kind: blacks, non-christians, gays, women, immigrants. I tell them that THESE are their true enemies, the ones that hunger for what is theirs. So many are simpletons, and can so easily be played, my dear. They willingly run into my arms, and offer themselves up for the draining, in return for my "protection" from these "others."
The Diva: But don't they have more in common with the "others" you mentioned, than with you and your kind?
The Vampire: Yes, but I weave a net of paranoia around them. I whisper to them that allowing these others "rights" can only lead to taking away theirs. I tell them that they need me to keep these "others" in line. And for my services, they are willing to pay... dearly.
The Diva: But how do you convince them of anything so nonsensical?
The Vampire: By telling them that justice is finite, like gold or oil. By mesmerizing them with the illusion of the zero-sum-game. With sleight of hand I make them believe that good things happening to others must mean bad things happening to them. Many are sports fans, so they understand competition. I simply convince them that the "others" are their opponents.
The Diva: What would happen if they saw the truth?
The Vampire: Then my kind would have to work for our gains, as all others.
The Diva: Would that be so awful? There is said to be great satisfaction in hard work, in success, and in a job well done.
The Vampire: That is not our nature. The satisfaction you speak of comes from an uncertain outcome. My kind likes to have a thumb on the scale. My kind thrives on the "done deal." My kind revels in the inevitability of the purchased victory. The level playing field is not our venue of choice. My kind finds uncertainty annoying, not thrilling.
The Diva: But if you have your way, certainly people will see that they have been deceived. What then?
The Vampire: What, indeed? You said it yourself earlier: It has been a scant score or less of years since the last time my kind took the Presidency, and the results of our last victory are no secret. But enough people have short memories, that the same game can be played again; the same prey caught with the same trap. You see, Diva, my kind is ancient. In the past, we thrived on the labor of vassals and serfs. Democracy was a concern, for a time, but we quickly adapted to our new environment. Though we control almost all of the riches of your nation, we know we are outnumbered. We have learned to be crafty, and that our strongest weapon is your distrust of each other. We have learned, but your kind has not.
"SIGN YOUR RIGHTS AWAY HERE, PLEASE"